Close your eyes and imagine the most embarrassing thing that could happen to you during sex. OK, now come back here. What did you think about? Does it involve blood? Barf? Farting? Pain? …Pee? Someone seeing you naked and in a weird position for the first time and just baaaaacking away slooooowly and then grabbing their clothes and running out the door? OK. Get a good, horrible picture in your mind of what would be a worst-case scenario for you. Now take a deep breath, grab a cup of mint tea, and sit down right here **pats comfy couch** with us, and let us tell you a story.

It goes like this: Once upon a time, two people rubbed their gentials together, and nothing embarrassing happened. No one queefed or farted. Candles literally lit themselves all over the bedroom. No one’s parents were home and everything smelled like roses and everyone felt sexy and didn’t go past their limits, and when it was over, the sheets were still white as a snowy dove’s wing and everyone high-fived and it was the best and that was what happened the end.

HAHAHA NOPE! The above scenario has probably happened like five times in the history of sex. Sex CAN be perfect and not make messes and not be interrupted by weird-seeming things, but—especially when you’re first starting out—that’s unlikely to happen very often. Sex is a vulnerable and kind of strange thing: We get naked with one another and see each other at odd angles and…fluids happen,…continue on ROOKIE