´We are playing the piano not working the piano. In music, one doesn’t make the end of the composition. The point is the composition. But we don’t see that as something brought by our education. We have a schooling system where we put the child in the corridor of the grade system. The constant question: what´s next? We always want to reach something. But we are cheated somehow ourselves the whole way down the line. We miss the point the whole way along. It is a musical thing, you are supposed to sing or to dance, while the music was being played.´
I so much agree with Alan Watts & David Lindberg – Why Your Life Is Not A Journey. It’s not a revolutionary thought. But still. Can we apply the secret of being present all along in our life? In our very daily life? Can we get back to this logic of presence that small children know so well? In all terrains of our life? Can we play? Can we forget about behaving, meeting expectations, let ourselves indulge in anything just for the sake being in it? To learn things because learning is fun? To work because it feels good? To be with someone without wanting anything, just being together?
Isn´t it the same with sex? I see so many of us suffering from not being able to enjoy, be happy in our sexual lives or relationships. So many of us are asking the question: how it should go ideally? Compared to what we see, read or hear around us. Compared to norms and expectations about ideal bodies, sexual encounters, pleasure. We are talking about average times, and sizes, easy or multiple orgasms. We are reading tips and know-hows to achieve “ultimate pleasure”. We are busy with quite detailed imaginaries in our head about possible sexual scenarios about how they should go. Instead of listening to our own personal ways of being present, connected, truly give and receive. In that very moment.
It is not easy. Expectations, ideas, norms and possible scenarios are deeply internalized. It’s not that obvious how to get rid of them. Not just because we simply forgot, but because social norms have their reasonable function. They make our world simpler, easier to control. They are somehow giving us a feeling of being safe. But they also seem to be a source of constant frustration, suffering and dilemmas. Like walking in shoes one size too small. Ideas, norms, imagined scenarios often prevent us from accessing our real feelings, needs. They prevent us from accepting, respecting and loving our real bodies, embracing our true – sometimes deeply personal, and private – desires. Of course, we often prefer not to see or feel the real because it´s never so perfect, ideal, it is not how we imagine.
But instead of the constant disappointment which resulted from the mismatch of what we imagine and what we experience wouldn´t it be better to search all the hidden beauty in real scenarios?
Nothing is real, but what if?
How to get back to our natural curiosity about the world, the unexpected, about the other, about ourselves? How to feel safe enough to open up our heart with our legs? How to dare to lose control and embrace the unprecedented? How to be honest with ourselves? How to react if something is painful or simply not pleasurable? How to be “prepared” for unexpected emotions? How to accept if the unknown is coming not from the other but from us? How to let ourselves to play, feel and behave as a child? How to dare to dive deep and let things happen?
How can we learn to get indulge in “real sex”?
I learn a lot from my child. He knows what he wants to do at a certain moment. He doesn´t want to try to suppress his body sensations, pain, hunger or pleasure. The know-how I learn from him is simple: Keep things small. Keep things simple. Say ´no´ if it doesn´t feel good! Say ´yes´ and go for it, if you really want it! Try to pay real attention to your body sensations: do I have butterflies in my stomach, do I have wet palms? Or panties? Am I afraid? But also curious?
To my clients I often recommend a simple daily exercise: every morning, before your day starts, ask yourself three questions. 1. What was my night like? 2. How do I feel myself right now? 3. What would I feel like doing today? It is a simple first step to remind ourselves how not to forget about our needs, desires in the very moment.