- Do you feel stuck in a situation with your partner?
- He or she wants too much or too little sex or is it simply that you can’t tune in to each other?
- Do you feel that something “went wrong” in between you?
- Your sexuality is changing but you cannot follow these changes?
- Do you have secret desires and would love but never dare to share them with your partner?
- Or you don’t have the same desires?
- At the beginning everything was passionate and smooth but now the daily routine, and other “more important aspirations” simply override your inner desires?
- It is hard to find the priorities in your sex life, in your relationship, or in life in general?
These are just some of the most frequent questions I try to answer with my clients. I offer private consultations for couples who feel comfortable sharing their question or problem in a more intimate environment. These sessions lie somewhere in-between coaching and sexual therapy.
My professional approach
Although most people ask for my help because they feel they have a “problem”, and are stuck in their sex life, most of the time we can find solutions without labeling them as having a “sexual dysfunction” or a “sexual disorder”. In my experience many sexual professionals, therapies and “sexperts” tend to medicalize our sexual blockages. In the meanwhile using these negative labels for daily life situations can intensify our anxiety or uncertainty. Based on my professional experience I do believe that the quality of our sex life primarily depends on us. This is a responsibility – I think the best one – as well as an opportunity. Most of our questions, doubts and uncertainties come from the fact that we socialized in a culture where sexuality is considered to be something that is imposed on us; an exterior, strong force that directs our lives. Sometimes we feel that a sexual therapist or coaches would be able to solve our situation better than we could.
How I work
During the consultations I facilitate a process where my clients will be able to identify the real blockage in their sexual life. I support them in finding out if this problem is rooted in a life-situation that can be solved by talking, sharing, focusing, asking questions, or active listening. If it cannot be solved by any of these means therapy or medical treatment might be needed. I offer a safe and intimate space where my clients can talk openly about anything without being judged. In my experience, behind most sexual problems there lies a complex life situation in which many factors may be impacting our sexuality. Therefore we talk about my clients’ general life situation, their work, social relations, family background, personal story and about the specific sexual or body issue. During these sessions we explore my clients’ emotional life, their past, their family and love relations without losing the focus of being “goal oriented” and trying to answer the original sexual question.
My role is to give a hand and “keep the mirror at the right angle”. My job is to help my clients over the bumps and get them moving again. My role is to offer ideas, feedback, tools, and support to make it easier to stop spinning in a vicious circle and move forward. I don’t hide behind a mask of professionalism. If it’s needed I also share my personal experience as a woman, a mother, a partner or a sexual person.
- our family heritage
- changes in our female /male roles
- changes in the relationship when becoming parents
- our changing body/sexuality during pregnancy, the birth process and afterward
- sexuality and relationship during pregnancy
- the birth for the mother, for the father and for the family
- the challenges of the fourth “trimester”: body image, hormonal changes, libido fluctuation, new expectations, new roles, breast feeding and sex, etc.
- how to talk about sexual issues with our kids
Another popular pack of questions is about transition in life, transition in sexuality:
- transition through countries: finding new balance, new aims (or loosing goals), new (or confused) identity, losses and new (or no) perspectives, changes in the relationship, dependence or independence and those impacts on womanhood, manhood and finally on our sexual life
- how to maintain sexuality in a long term relationship
- the impact of aging on sexuality
Beyond all those questions there are plenty of other concerns that I can help my clients with:
- how to share fantasies and desires with my partner
- difficulty staying present or “tuning out” during sex
- challenges expressing and receiving love
- how to safely explore new pleasures and sexual experiences
- creating relationships that work for everyone, whether that’s monogamy, an open relationship, or another structure
- overcoming training around gender and sexual orientation that holds you back
- what to do when sex isn’t working or doesn’t seem like enough
- where to find the information you need about new ways to enjoy sex
- changing sexuality over a lifespan
I live and work in Amsterdam, the Netherlands, but I do projects and have clients from more than a dozen countries in Europe. Feel free to contact me.